Many people can be led to live a conflictual couple relationship but to speak of narcissistic perversion, and it is important to have what is called a so-called complementary relationship.
To begin with, and this is very important, we must not look at the partners one by one but at the type of relationship that is created:
It is a rigid complementary relationship that functions like an interactional dance between two partners, one in a superior position and the other in a subordinate position.
To understand how this type of relationship is built, it is necessary to take into account three indicators:
- The first indicator is the requirement versus the sacrifice.
- On the one hand, there is someone, for the example we will say that it is the man, “him,” who is never tuned in with the will of the other, “her,” and which requires that the relationship serves above all to satisfy her needs like a spoiled child. On the contrary, there is she, who accepts the conditions demanded by her partner by sacrificing herself.
- So an interactional game develops in which the one who sacrifices reinforces the behavior of the one with this requirement.
- The second indicator is devaluation versus the need for recognition
- We are faced with repeated and systematic criticism in daily life, for example, how to clean vegetables, drive, dress, or educate children.
- Often the criticisms are disguised as teaching advice or as jokes, resulting in the victim feeling even more confused and disturbed.
- It’s a dance that she does in a subordinate position so as not to lose him and a dance that means to him that she must perform immediately; it’s her position of superiority. She does all this with the idea: “I have value, and one day, I hope he will recognize it.”
- The third indicator is the lack of attunement with the other versus the visibility search:
- On the one hand, there is him, who has no interest in deep experiences with the other and could be defined as an emotional illiterate: it’s like a magician who disappears every time you have to go and listen to the other. We could do an experiment, try to say a word during their monologue of these stalkers, and suddenly you become completely invisible. He only hears the sound of his voice and sees only his reflection in your gaze. On the other side, there is her, who seeks to be noticed more and more by using all possible means.
The Interactional Game of a Couple
This interactional game of couple is a scenario, and if it is repeated over and over again is likely to go as far as criminal harassment, which finds its origin close to any pathological obsession.
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